(08-16-2015, 09:48 PM)Thy Unveiling Wrote: Thank you for sharing, banana
Your last sentence reminds me of Dewey Cox. You ever seen that movie, Walk Hard? Its absolutely ridiculous, but given your history you may be able to relate to some of his issues. Also, the music is pretty good! (Its basically a parody of Walk the Line, but its more than that.)
I have too many regrets to even coherently list...and they change, depending on who I am at that moment. Been wondering if its possible to have alters without having alters, if that makes sense, or if its just my BPD. Counselor said that i'm in control of my actions...I don't always feel so. Sometimes my mouth keeps talking while my brain tells me to shut up. Sometimes I act or speak in ways that I don't like, but it feels like a monster took over and I'm in the background watching. Idk. But when the evil twin takes over, I end up with regrets.
Its funny you say that I feel as if Ive went through a few different phases of my life, almost like all separate people have experienced it but obviously its all me, if I look back on things Ive written its almost like a different person!? Sometimes I wonder and am surprised how coherent I seemed because I can feel the complete opposite at times. I get bombarded by thoughts and images that I don't want and some of them are scary, its almost like they are being pushed on me or maybe I am just more messed up than I realize!
I think I might have an evil twin or at least a totally screwed up one but yeah it is like having a whole other personality in a way, invasion of my mind!
One thing that I find weird is that sometimes when I think back on memories its like I am on the outside looking in on those memories, kinda like in the scrooge films lol but seriously my earliest memory is me hiding in my grans kitchen in the cupboard under the sink and also trying to get in the boiler cupboard to get away from my mother who had came back to get me. I dont know what age I was exactly my gran said I was about 3 or something I think and my mother maintains I was less than 2 although am not inclined to believe her because shes lied so much to me and will never admit to anything shes ever done. But yeah that was my first memory and its weird because I can remember it but its like am there watching whats going on but also inside seeing it from my point of view.
Its crazy how we change so much as we grow and go through life and it just happens naturally, if you try and force it it just doesn't really work!
I don't have many regrets but I do have some, most of the time they don't weigh on my mind too much for too long because there's nothing that can be done to rectify anything. I am still really struggling because of my friend, every time its quiet or my mind isn't being distracted by crap on tv or playing a game or anything at all just to occupy my mind, going over the same things over and over and then I have a cry because of the realization of the fact that he is just gone, even though I hadn't seen him for a long time the fact that his presence is no longer in this dimension/reality/whatever the hell this is, I can still feel that he is gone and a part of me gone with him. He really was the nicest guy you could ever hope to meet, anybody who ever met him there was just something amazing about him, he was just so naturally beautiful inside and out. I would do anything just for one last hug and to know that he is ok now.
I just keep wondering what state of mind he must have been in and sometimes for 5 minutes I can convince myself that he was at peace with his decision but then that just goes and am left with the reality of it which was probably just so horrible for him. Life is just so harsh sometimes. Anyway sorry for going on, when my gran died that was the biggest loss, this is at least equally as devastating or probably more actually. My gran died in a hospital from cancer but at least she wasn't alone, we were all too late to get there and I wished for so long that i had gone to see her the day before like I had planned. I think those are my only regrets, everything else just seems to pale in comparison and those were just all silly mistakes that didnt really do a whole lot of damage to anybody apart from me so it was self inflicted but these other regrets I dont think I will ever fully get over them. I guess theres just no answer or response to them so not much closure really.