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The Noosphere

07-30-2015, 10:10 PM #1
Status: Away Posts:638 Likes Received:1015
On Monday night I was thinking about my friend, my oldest friend, my first boyfriend, somebody I connected with so much that it was scary, emotionally at least.

When I went out with him I was 15, almost 16 and it was crazy, insane I really was in love with him, he had a breakdown when I was going out with him, it was the second one as far as I knew at the time, it was horrible, he was hospitalized and doped up, visited him a few times and one occasion he ran away and came to my house and then the hospital came looking for him and I had to let them take him but always felt like I betrayed him. So we broke up a few months later everything the whole everything was just not meant to be maybe. He had cheated on me but that didnt really matter, all I do remember was seeing him in the hospital and just wishing I could do something to help, it was a horrible place I didnt think it was good for him but he did need help!

Anyway we both moved on and life happened I had a daughter he had his recovery and life just went the way it did, seen him now and then still always talked, it was still always weird like that connection was still there. We got together a cpl years ago, he came up to visit me, help me out actually as I was having a hard time and him being the amazing, thoughtful person he was helped me out, it was bizarre seeing each other again, it was like everything that had happened in the last 18 years just all collapsed like it never happened it was like it was a few weeks ago, there was still that connection there although we were just friends. That Katy Perry song The One That Got Away was like us. We kept in touch although with my messed up squished brain and him still having manic highs and probably lows that I never seen much of although his niece told me he hadn't been down for a while which is a relief!

Monday night I was thinking about him all night, had messaged him a few weeks prior and then again a week before then on Monday night I was thinking about him all night and worried as Id seen somebody said he had been unwell and I knew what that probably meant, went to sleep on Monday night and think I even had a dream about messaging him, either that or it was just from me thinking about him but anyway all night and then the next day when I woke up Id intended to contact his niece and ask her to tell him he could phone me anytime because I knew he was probably struggling and then I found out Tuesday night that he had killed himself. Am guessing he must have been found on Tuesday but Monday night I had been thinking about him all night, wish I had just contacted his niece earlier, just one day earlier.

Now am wondering if somehow he was sending out some unconscious signal or thoughts or something. I do believe this is the reason why!! Im sure that was the reason why, just wish he would have at least tried to give me a chance to try and help him but I just dont know!

Am sure others have probably experienced something like this with someone so close or somebody they care so much about!

Be interesting to hear others experiences! I still don't believe in god, was thinking maybe somebody out theres taking the piss!! Life is just one big test!? I dunno!